


just like first love

by hokaidos



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-13
Updated: 2018-01-13
Packaged: 2019-03-04 06:14:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13358220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hokaidos/pseuds/hokaidos
Summary: Jongin realizes he might be capable of love after all.





	just like first love

**Author's Note:**

> for twitter user @SHlKYUNG
> 
> i'm not sure if this is what you had in mind, but i hope you like it anyway ☺♥

Love has always been a foreign concept to Jongin. His parents divorced when he was 8, and fought all the time before that. They hated each other, and even now, couldn’t exist in the same room without presenting each other with a barrage of filthy insults. Besides coming from a broken family, Jongin’s life has otherwise been pretty normal, but he has seen enough to swear off something as stupid as love.

When Kyungsoo came stumbling into his life with a smile as radiant as the sun was that summer day, and even though Jongin couldn’t help smiling back, he never thought they would arrive at this stage. After all, it was him who decided that love wasn’t real, didn’t exist, and that he could live a good life alone. If all that he had ever known was love, he didn’t want it.

But Kyungsoo is all smiles as he flips them over, straddling Jongin and leaning down to capture his lips in a fluid movement. He cups Jongin’s face between his hands and kisses him with increasing intensity—gently and teasingly at first, nipping his lips, drawing back just to feel Jongin lean up for more, then sticking his tongue through Jongin’s moist lips, exploring the little wonders of his mouth.

Just like that, Jongin is hard again. Kyungsoo notices and laughs and Jongin doesn’t have enough time to be embarrassed when the older male’s hand is trailing down his face, his neck, his chest.

“Quite a horny young man, aren’t you?” Kyungsoo teases.

Jongin finds himself grinning. He thrusts his hips and Kyungsoo understands perfectly. The older male is kissing him again now, and Jongin gasps into his mouth as he feels Kyungsoo’s tightness around his dick.

At times like this, there is nothing else but Kyungsoo. There is nobody else that he knows, the world disappears. Kyungsoo is all that he knows.

Kyungsoo straightens up, smirks, and then he’s bouncing with his head thrown back, lips parted in pure ecstasy. This image is one Jongin wishes he would never forget. After they’re finished—truly finished—for the night, Kyungsoo flops down beside him.

They turn to regard each other at the exact same moment. Jongin sees that there is a sheen of perspiration on Kyungsoo’s face, and his fringe is slightly damp and slicked back, and the arm that Kyungsoo throws around him to pull him even closer.

“I’m exhausted,” Kyungsoo announces after a yawn. He tilts his head so that it fits nicely in the crook of Jongin’s neck. “Thanks for the amazing sex. Good night.” His eyes fall shut without waiting for a response.

Jongin gives him a delayed one. “Good night,” he says in a whisper, not knowing if Kyungsoo hears him. 

He cannot tear his eyes away from the way Kyungsoo’s arm is curled around him, possessively, protectively. He cannot stop paying extra attention to the sound of Kyungsoo’s steady breathing, slowing gradually as he falls into deep sleep. He cannot explain why, for a moment, his heart skips a beat and then, as if trying ridiculously hard to make up for that one lost beat, starts pounding so crazily he’s almost certain Kyungsoo would feel it.

But Kyungsoo doesn’t stir, and Jongin tries to stop thinking.

They’re nothing. Just friends; an arrangement that has suited the both of them very well until now.

“Good night,” Jongin whispers again without comprehending his own actions.

The next morning, he wakes up with Kyungsoo still nuzzling into him, but the older male doesn’t stay for breakfast, and doesn’t call for the rest of the month.

-

He leans all his weight against the balcony railings, watching cars as small as ants move along the busy roads. A long drag of his cigarette fills him with a much needed surge of comfort—until he hears footsteps approaching from behind, and then something warm presses up against his back.

Kyungsoo cages him in, leans his chin on his shoulder so that when he talks, his lips brush Jongin’s ear.

“What are you thinking about?”

His breath tickles and Jongin cannot help laughing. He wants to spin around and look at Kyungsoo’s face, but the older male is pressed firmly against him and Jongin allows them to remain like that for a while. He takes another drag of his cigarette before flicking it away.

Nicotine does nothing for him compared to Kyungsoo.

“Everything and nothing,” Jongin admits, voice low.

His words, for some reason, make Kyungsoo tighten his arms around him until he can barely breathe. But he likes it. The feeling of being held so tightly that all of his broken pieces come back together, even if only momentarily.

“Everything _is_ nothing, isn’t it?” Kyungsoo says. A short silence, then he releases Jongin and spins him around so that they’re face to face. “I don’t like kissing you after you smoke. When did you pick up this bad habit anyway?”

“When you went missing on me for months,” Jongin retorts, but with no malice in his voice. “What difference does it make anyway?”

Kyungsoo breaks into an indulgent smile. He touches Jongin’s face, stares at him so intensely it makes the younger male’s mind go blank. Finally, he mumbles, “You taste so stale after you smoke. You don’t taste like _my_ Jongin.”

The first time it happened was when he was 18 and in bed with Kyungsoo, feeling his heart pick up pace as the older male held him close. There might have been a second—Jongin didn’t easily admit to many things. But this time, there’s no denying it. His heart practically slams against his ribcage, demanding to be released. Blood rushes to his cheeks and he’s thankful for the darkness masking his face now.

“I’m not _yours_ ,” he responds in a shaky voice. “I never was.”

Kyungsoo opens his mouth to say something— _that’s not what I meant, you’re misunderstanding me; stop being stubborn, I know how you feel about me_ —shuts his mouth after silence spews forth, and Jongin never gets to hear his thoughts, can only guess them.

“Let’s go to bed?” Kyungsoo chooses the safest route, the only route they have ever known. Everything their relationship has been built upon. “It’s getting cold.”

Jongin knows Kyungsoo won’t be here by sunrise, but he doesn’t say a word as Kyungsoo’s hand envelops his, and lets himself to be led back into the apartment.

-

He thinks the entire foundation of their relationship is nothing but sex, so he doesn’t understand why he finds so much pleasure in watching Kyungsoo bustle around in his kitchen, fixing a meal for him. The older male had insisted on doing so after hearing from Jongin that he had not eaten the entire day, having been too busy. Now his rarely used stove is being put to good use by the older male who is humming to himself as he cooks an omelette in one frying pan and occasionally checks on the soup in the other pot.

There are many things Jongin would never admit, but he thinks it’s only right to do justice to the feeling that washed over him when he walked into his apartment to see Kyungsoo lazing on the couch, flipping through a book. He remembers he stopped breathing, nearly choked, experiencing what it’s like to be drowning without being underwater.

A sensation so overwhelming Jongin sincerely believed he was going to explode into a million pieces.

And he must be going crazy, because the first word that came to mind was home, the first time he ever felt like this about this apartment when he has been living here for over 2 years.

Kyungsoo makes sure Jongin is well-fed and even does the dishes while the younger male is in the shower. When Jongin emerges from the bathroom and steps foot into the outside world again, Kyungsoo has already changed into his clothes and is on the bed using his phone.

“Who told you to make yourself comfortable?” Jongin teases. He flings his towel onto the dressing table and dives into bed, which sinks under his weight.

“Payment for making you a delicious meal and taking care of you tonight.” Kyungsoo doesn’t even spare him a glance. He doesn’t have to, he knows Jongin agrees.

“You cook well,” Jongin admits. “You should cook for me more often.”

The older male rolls his eyes. He puts his phone down and looks at Jongin, tutting in disapproval as he absorbs the sight of his damp hair and dark circles. 

“I go away for 2 months and this is what you become?”

Jongin grabs the finger Kyungsoo is pointing at him and puts it into his mouth, sucking the tip of his finger. It earns him a slap on the shoulder but he doesn’t mind.

“This is what I’ve always been,” he tells Kyungsoo. “Now, time for what you came for?”

The smile on Kyungsoo’s face fades a little. Jongin feels strangely like he has been kicked in the ass. A few long seconds pass before Kyungsoo breaks the silence that is growing loaded, jam-packed with all the words they’re not saying.

“Get some sleep, Jongin. I’m no longer a horny teenager who needs to be fucked whenever I’m in your presence, you know.”

Jongin takes a while, too long to register Kyungsoo’s words. They don’t see each other often, and when they do, it is for one common purpose. Physical intimacy is all Jongin has ever known with the older male. So right now, with Kyungsoo telling him that this isn’t what he came for, Jongin’s mind stops functioning.

The dynamics of their relationship are shifting, a threat Jongin never thought possible because he doesn’t believe in love. Love only breaks, love only ends. Its destructiveness lies in the very fact that it is so incredibly empowering, and Jongin isn’t stupid enough to fall slave to such an emotion.

When you fall in love, you place your beating heart on a silver platter and hand it over to someone else and hope they never lose that spark for you. When you fall in love, you give someone the chance to hurt you, break you, like how Jongin has seen his parents falling apart, shattering.

“I said go to sleep, Jongin.” Kyungsoo repeats firmly, thinking Jongin is being disobedient when he really is just frozen, scared stiff.

Jongin doesn’t know what to say so he eventually does as he is told and draws the blanket up to his chin. He shuts his eyes to avoid having to face Kyungsoo any longer, but feels his gaze burning into him and it makes him so uncomfortable, it makes him want to hide under the blanket and disappear until this feeling goes away.

“You really ought to treasure yourself more, Kim Jongin.”

As soon as Jongin hears those words, his tensed shoulders relax and slump. Tears well up in his eyes and he turns to the side, not wanting Kyungsoo to notice. He practically reeks of vulnerability right now but the bitterness on his tongue is gone, replaced by the honey dripping from Kyungsoo’s words.

Words that he never thought he needed to hear, that he never knew were so important until now.

The lights go off and Kyungsoo snakes his arm around Jongin. He brings himself close to Jongin instead of pulling the younger male in. His body curls around Jongin’s.

Jongin doesn’t want to think so—he would really hate to think so—he might be in love. And it terrifies him; love has always been associated with pain and destruction, he doesn’t want to end up like his parents, doesn’t want to be crazy about Kyungsoo today, and then unable to even bear the sight of him years down the road.

But he might be. He really might be.

“Will you stay?” Jongin doesn’t know why he whispers that. He doesn’t know what he wants to hear either.

Kyungsoo sighs into the back of his neck and it’s ticklish, it almost makes him smile.

“You don’t want me to.”

His answer sends Jongin into shock again, only now understanding how things have been all along. They were nothing more than friends, and their relationship status was always kept as such because Kyungsoo was always gone by the next morning, knowing that things would turn too emotionally intimate if he were to stay. Jongin had always thought this was what they both wanted, but only now was he truly opening his eyes and seeing that it was never a mutual desire.

He thought about all the late nights they spent together stripping off their skins, exposing themselves to each other, talking about the things that made them feel emotionally raw and jaded. Jongin had always attributed that to _friendship_ —after all, they were _friends_ who couldn’t deny the attraction they felt towards each other—with benefits. But the way Kyungsoo would hold him, kiss him, rub the area between his brows whenever he frowned, what was _that_?

When he finally drifted off to sleep near dawn, Kyungsoo stirred. He let himself linger, thinking it a shame to leave now when Jongin’s body fits so perfectly in his embrace like the heavens created them just for each other, listening to Jongin breathing.

It’s the exact same thing Jongin has done many, many, many times. The flipped side of the same coin. Only that the endings, thus far, have always been the same. Jongin wakes up alone in bed and wonders why, for the first time, he feels crushed by crippling loneliness.

-

Beauty is waking up an hour before the alarm is set to go off and it’s still dawn, the city still peacefully asleep. Beauty is going to the cafe 5 minutes away from home when he can’t sleep, hot chocolate filling his body with warmth and a book distracting him from the cacophony of his thoughts. Beauty is watching Kyungsoo throw his head back in bliss, eyes shut and lips parted, his neck already speckled with red petals.

Wrapping his fingers around Kyungsoo’s neck is not a conscious decision; Jongin loses his mind when he sees Kyungsoo like this, he can’t help reaching out to try and grab for himself some of that beauty.

Kyungsoo’s eyes are open and staring at him when Jongin breaks free from his thoughts. He doesn’t stop thrusting, his body and mind separate entities for now. Their bodies don’t need to be taught how to seek pleasure from each other, but their minds—their minds do. The older male doesn’t say a word even as Jongin tightens his grip slightly, but not enough to choke Kyungsoo.

For just a moment, though, he wonders what it would be like to do that, to get rid of something he’s falling in love with, and knows he’s in deep trouble.

“ _Jongin._ ” Kyungsoo draws out out, his voice sounding strange and high-pitched and Jongin lets go.

He leans down, his face beside Kyungsoo’s, and doesn’t have the courage to look at the most beautiful man he has ever encountered while he takes them to the stars.

They do their best to clean up after they’re done, knowing there won’t be a second round tonight after the moment of emotional vulnerability Jongin had displayed. It’s no use pretending anymore. Jongin is finally coming to terms with what he’s feeling, and he knows Kyungsoo knows it even better than him.

He turns his back to Kyungsoo but it does not stop the older male from laying his hand on his waist.

“I’m not happy and you know it.” Kyungsoo kisses his ear as if his sweet actions would soften the impact of his words. “But you’re still not even trying.”

Jongin doesn’t answer. He’s terrified. He has sworn off love a long time ago, but how did Kyungsoo manage to worm his way into his heart? The thought of admitting his feelings, voluntarily stripping himself raw and bloody for Kyungsoo’s discernment is much more than he can handle.

“I can’t chase you forever,” Kyungsoo continues saying. “I don’t want to spend my youth begging for your affection.”

Every single word hurts like a stab in the heart. Jongin doesn’t fail to read between the lines. He knows Kyungsoo is giving him an ultimatum—if he makes him wait any longer, he’s going to leave.

And the older male surely is cruel. He gives Jongin a preview of that life by giving him one final kiss on the cheek before rolling off the bed. Jongin hears Kyungsoo gathering his clothes, putting them on, and only at the very last second sits up. The blanket pools around his waist.

“Will you stay?” His voice is thin and unsteady and Jongin doesn’t recognize it at all.

Kyungsoo buttons up his top, flashes a wistful smile. 

“No.”

He leaves without looking back. Jongin doesn’t know what he has done.

-

Winter comes and go without bringing any news of Kyungsoo. Jongin doesn’t even so much as hear from him. He checks Kyungsoo’s social media profiles religiously, but the older male’s last update remains dated over a year ago. It’s how Kyungsoo has always been. Free-spirited and unpredictable. Jongin loves that about him, even though he has never told that to Kyungsoo. He doesn’t feel tied down around him, he feels like he has the freedom to be just about anyone he wants to.

Kyungsoo’s vanishing acts have never really bothered Jongin that much because he always knew he would be back. The older male would disappear for three months at most, but he would always show up at Jongin’s door. He even had his passcode. 

Except this time, things are a little different. Jongin cannot stop replaying what happened on the last night they spent together, when he asked if Kyungsoo would stay, and the older male give him an affirmative no. And the smile on Kyungsoo’s face, a smile so sad it haunted Jongin even in his dreams.

These thoughts keep gnawing at him. Maybe that was the final straw. He might never get to see Kyungsoo again, and it isn’t even the physical intimacy that he misses. Not the warmth of Kyungsoo’s body, not the softness of his hands, not the fullness of his lips. Jongin misses the way Kyungsoo’s eyes curl into silver crescents and the way his nose crinkles and his hearty laughter.

Jongin misses Kyungsoo, and he knows he’s screwed, so it doesn’t bother him too much that he might be potentially self-destructing when he pulls out his mobile phone and finds Kyungsoo’s number.

He has never taken the initiative to contact Kyungsoo, always thinking himself as fiercely independent. He has never needed anyone, and approaching anyone would make him seem otherwise.

_dont be mean_

Those three words are all he can manage after typing and deleting his message multiple times. He presses send and immediately tosses his phone aside, burying his face in his pillow, wondering what he’s doing right now. Kyungsoo is everything he knows, but also everything he doesn’t.

Jongin doesn’t get a text back, instead, he gets something infinitely better. He’s watching television when he hears his passcode being keyed in, and the door opening with a ding. Then Kyungsoo walks in, wearing a black coat that fits his frame perfectly and looks so stunning on him that Jongin fails to notice the small suitcase until much later.

“I just got back last week,” Kyungsoo tells him. “I wasn’t deliberately avoiding you.”

“Where have you been?”

The older male kicks off his shoes and hangs his coat on the peg. Jongin’s gaze trails to the suitcase and the world goes quiet—the sounds from the television muted—only Kyungsoo’s voice seeping through the haze.

“Everywhere and nowhere.”

He leaves his suitcase by the door and approaches Jongin. The younger male finds himself only capable of staring dumbly at him even when he has been waiting for this for so long. Waiting for Kyungsoo to come _home_ to him.

“You told me that your parents taught you what love is, and that you don’t want any of it if that’s what love is.” 

Kyungsoo chooses the edge of the couch to settle down, leaving far too much space between him and Jongin. His hair looks softer than ever tonight and there is a look in his eyes that makes Jongin’s heart ache without good reason.

“That might be one kind of love. But I’ve spent so much time trying to show you what _my_ love is, and I don’t want to wait any longer, Jongin. Do you want it?”

How can he bring himself to lie or say anything contrary to what his heart wants when Kyungsoo is looking at him with so much tenderness in his eyes and his heart aches, but in a good way? Jongin nods once slowly, hesitantly, then earnestly, eagerly for the second time. A little bit of his courage is all it takes for Kyungsoo to cross the sea of doubt separating them and take Jongin into his arms.

Jongin doesn’t even realize his eyes are brimming with tears until Kyungsoo presses his warm hand against his face and wipes away the tears.

“What’s that suitcase for?” The younger male manages to croak out, embarrassed to death at his overt display of vulnerability.

Kyungsoo laughs. “What do you think?”

Only one last question.

“Will you stay?”

A fading memory comes back—of his mother on her knees, howling and crying like her heart had been ripped out of her chest, of his father slamming the door and the sound of the car tyres crunching on the gravel as the vehicle backs out of the driveway. 

Now Kyungsoo is holding his face between his hands and his smile is brilliant, so bright and sincere that Jongin can’t hold on to that memory even if he wanted to, lets go of the tendrils of pain he had been holding on to all this while.

A new memory—Kyungsoo walking into his apartment with his suitcase, Kyungsoo wearing a black turtleneck beneath his black coat, Kyungsoo holding his face and telling him _yes, yes, yes._

“ _Yes._ ”

**Author's Note:**

> LOOK I KNOW I SAID i wouldn't spend any more than 30 minutes on each prompt but i really wanted to write this one because i've always wanted to write a FWB au!!! i just didn't have concrete motivation until now so i decided i would take advantage of such an opportunity!! hehehe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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